I am pretty sure I say this every month, but I truly feel this year has been flying by. This post is a few days late, but here I am with it. Time for my monthly check-in. The past couple of months have been pretty rough for me mentally. At times I feel like completely checking out of this whole fitness/weight loss journey. I mentioned on my Instagram post of the saying, losing weight is hard, being overweight is hard, choose your hard. Well, for the past couple of months I have felt like picking staying overweight.
I have been overweight practically my entire life. In third grade, I weighed 110 pounds. At one point I got down to 165 pounds and stayed around that weight for a couple of years, but felt no different as if I was 240 pounds. The only time I was ever skinny or fit was when I was around five years old. I don’t know the feeling of being fit or thin. I just know about being fat. Throughout the years that has taken such a toll on my mental health.
What has triggered a lot of this, well, what I feel has triggered a lot of this is the lack of drive I sustain for losing weight. What I mean is, one side of my brain is producing images of things I will more easily be able to do when I am fit, things I feel I would be more confident in doing or trying, such as wearing a bikini, take scuba diving lessons, there are these images and scenarios that play in my head of all the things I would better be able to accomplish at a smaller, healthier size. It truly gets me pumped up and excited. Then the other half of my brain comes barreling through. You’ll never be able to do that. You are never going to get fit. Even if you somehow manage to lose the weight, you will gain it all back, just like last time. You are fat, worthless, and ugly. Not a fun side to deal with.
On top of that, one of my closest friends has lost almost 50 pounds in 4 months. Now before you jump down my throat, I am happy for her. Truly I am. But, unfortunately, that makes me feel like shit because it has taken me almost a year to lose 40 pounds. When you are already struggling with mental health issues regarding this matter something like that definitely doesn’t help or boost my confidence. Everyone is different, every body is different, and it is amazing that she’s been able to do that. For me, it makes me feel like a failure because I can’t stick to healthy eating or anything for that matter. I can’t stick to a schedule to work out, eat right, nothing.
Here is where my positive side comes through and what I am trying, trying to focus on. Even with my binge eating, my mental roller coaster I have been on and stay on, through my horrible ups and downs, and my gross amount of inconsistencies, I have managed to lose 40 pounds. No pills, no weight loss surgery, just me, somehow still moving forward through all of my mental chaos and self-sabotage, lost 40 pounds. I can’t always see that through my mental misery, but I see that today and I try to see that on my bad days.
Thursday, my best friend since high school is flying up here and we are doing the Seattle Rock ‘N Roll Half Marathon together on Sunday. I may not be running it, but Goddammit, I am going to do my best and finish that fucker. I am going to hang that number and medal on my vision board so I look at that every fucking day and remind myself I finished something.
So here’s to losing 40 pounds, here’s to my first half marathon this Sunday, and here’s to being under 200 pounds by July 1! Goodnight everybody!