So, I haven’t posted on here nor any social media platforms. My mental health has unfortunately been shot this whole week and to top it all off, I got extremely sick last night. I will say, my eating hasn’t been terrible, which I am happy about. I ordered Domino’s last night, ate half of it then, and the other half today. Other than that, I have been within my caloric daily goal. So even with as much mental anguish I’ve dealt with this past week, I didn’t fully give up on my eating.
Working out, however, different story. The only day I have worked out this week was Monday. I’m hoping health wise I’ll be good to go for Monday and can get back on track, but getting out of bed every morning was a huge struggle this past week. Unfortunately, work has been the cause of some of it, but not all.
Being so off track of working out worries me because I am not ready for the half marathon coming up in June. I really want to be able to do this half marathon and prove to myself I am not a complete failure at life. It actually does more than just worry me, it frustrates me. I just feel like I haven’t accomplished anything, literally anything. I have not stuck with a good eating routine, nor workout routine. I can’t stop ordering out, and after I order out and eat it, I deal with such self-hatred. I literally have not accomplished one thing on my list. Not one. It makes me feel like such a failure and joke. That I will never amount to anything, that I am worthless, stupid, fat, ugly, and will always be that way. I am not here looking for sympathy, this is just the ugly side of severe depression.
Right now, besides the wonderful depression and self-hatred, I am dealing with severe body pain, a fever, chills, and my head is killing me. I already deal with Fibromyalgia, yeah me, so the pain associated with the sickness just makes it that much better.
I’m not going to apologize for saying what I am feeling, again, not looking for sympathy either. I just need to write it all out and somehow deal. Hopefully, this shit will blow over soon and I can get out of my self-pity/self-hatred slump and I don’t know. Go back to the regular scheduled programming? Who knows. Goodnight everyone.